Letting Love Find You

Ok, now that we’ve gotten to know each other well enough, let’s be clear on one thing: you never need to chase love. Love is what you are, what you share and what you evoke – it’s not a “thing” to find or chase. You call love towards you, and you do that by being perfectly you – on your own, or in a relationship.

This is a concept that many have known, but few have applied. It’s heavily based on the law of attraction. If you want to “attract” love or more of it, you have to be love. Like attracts like.

Imagine two water drops falling down a window pane. Since they have the same frequency, they will eventually join. Now imagine a drop of water and a drop of oil, those two will always repel.

The same concept goes here.

When you’re craving more love, you need to be in the frequency of love to join with it (think water and water). You don’t need to beg or cry for it – that’s when you become like the oil. You simply have to be love.

Put out loving vibrations to yourself, your neighbours, strangers, animals, coffee baristas – everyone! This is the key. To be consistently loving, not to make something happen but simply because love is what you want, and so you be it.

Now, there’s a question you may be asking at this point, which is when this love or person finds you, how do you know if they’re “the one”?

To which I first would respond by saying, I don’t believe there is just one. This idea that there’s one out there who completes you feels elusive and like you’re searching for a needle in a haystack. It also leaves you chasing something outside of yourself.

There are many people with whom you can grow and create with – though some are definitely more ideal than others.

Instead of “the one”, what I would rather say is, how do you know if they’re the one you should grow and create with: create memories, children, a home, a future, a path, an adventure, a journey… whatever it is you wish to carve out in this lifetime. Let’s just be clear that while chemistry is one piece, it certainly isn’t the whole puzzle.

Here’s another thing to consider. As you get more acquainted with yourself, you’ll more easily recognize this person who’s such a great match for you, because when you see them it will be as if you’ve always known them. They will be a reflection of you.

To know where or if someone belongs in your life, you need to know yourself and more importantly, be comfortable with yourself. This is how you’ll recognize them as one to grow and create with.

To help you identify them more easily, here are 5 things to look out for:

#1: VALUES & VISION

When I work with my clients, the first piece (as you know from chapter 2) that we work on when creating their vision is to establish their relationship values – aka what matters most to them and what kind of relationship they want to have. When you’re dating someone and feeling them out as a possible match for a long term basis, ask yourself if your values and vision are aligned. Do you both have strong family ties? Is loyalty and respect important? Do you see yourselves living a nomadic lifestyle or something more traditional? Is adventure important? What are your ideal lifestyles? Remember to be flexible in the way that you experience those values. So for example, if adventure is important to you but your partner is less of the traveling type and more of the adventurous in their own city type, could this still work for you? There’s absolutely room for variance and you don’t have to have everything in common – in fact, some variety often presents an opportunity to learn. That being said, a general alignment of vision and values allows for a smooth path and a solid foundation to build your future on. Whatever your beliefs about love, life and people it’s important that they align with those of the person you’re spending so much time with.

#2: ENERGY

What kind of energy does this person put out? Are they loving? Positive? Humble? Kind? Do they give off an honest, authentic and loyal vibe? Are they the kind of energy you want to be around? These are important questions to ask yourself and serve as a solid measure of where they fit into your life.

#3: INTERESTS

When considering someone as a long term partner, look at your interests. Do you share common interests? Are there things that you can teach other? Do you take interest in each other’s interests and give each other space to do things on your own? An interdependent relationship, which you’ll learn more about in chapter 8 is a healthy relationship worth pursuing.

#4: GROWTH

You’re going to spend a lot of time with this person, so it’s worth your while that they be someone you can both learn from and share with. Does he or she have a growth mindset? Do you inspire each other to expand your comfort zones? Do you have strengths that you share with each other? Do you bring out the best…or worst, in each other?

#5: APPRECIATION

Last but far from least, do you appreciate each other and express this appreciation often? Appreciation is the conduit for more love, and more to appreciate and it’s a great train to be on. This may not be natural for either of you, but as you’ll learn in chapter 11, the more you practice this, the more you can pretty much turn anyone into the one.

Ultimately, knowing someone is “the one” is far from just having feelings for them and so much more to do with your compatibility for creating a positive and loving life together. Can you vouch for this person’s character? How much can you really see your life with this person? Is “future you” happy to be with this person?

Finally, I want to say that you never need to “decide” if they’re the one.  As you get more in tune with your intuition, you’ll hear the gentle whispers that let you know this person is worth your time, energy and love – that this person is someone you can both grow and create with.

If you’re single:

Instead of looking for your “soulmate”, stay open to meeting one – and let the larger part of your focus be on nourishing the relationship with your badass self.

I’m not suggesting that you’ll meet someone by staying home reading, meditating and taking hot baths. What I’m saying is that looking and being open, are two very different energies –  the first one has a lack vibration that keeps this person lacking in your life. It also makes you a little too hungry and ripe for desperate measures.

The idea is to feel great on your own, satisfied with where you are now and eager for more. Not only does this make you extremely attractive and keep your vibration in the right place, it also makes you more magnetic to people just like you. So instead of looking for that special someone, be open to meeting them. It’s about getting to the place where you want and don’t need a relationship.

So, how do you get there?

Do things that bring you joy, simply because they make you happy.

When you’re living your life to the fullest and if companionship is important to you, then this will definitely include some degree of going out and “doing” things. Dancing, coffee-shop hopping, yoga – whatever your jam is. Even online dating! My only rule of thumb is to check the energy you’re bringing to that activity – let it be from a place of having fun and once again, not “searching”.

I remember a time when I was looking for a boyfriend. It was like the harder I looked, the less I could see him. It felt like a never ending (and cruel) game of hide and seek.

When I let go of finding him and focused instead on being my awesome self (not solitary or fiercely independent, but happy and positive), it didn’t only rain men, it poured em. I wasn’t hungry, I was full with my love and so I was the chooser.

If you can wrap your mind around the perspective shift that needs to happen for you to go from looking to being open, it will totally shift the vibe you’re putting out there – which will shift the kind of people you meet and how they react to you.

Remember, looking for your soulmate implies that there’s something out there you can’t see; staying open clears the way for them to come in.

If you’re in a relationship:

This concept of “letting” love into your life applies just as much if you’re in a relationship. Of course, you want to share and give love – the idea is that it’s a flow of giving and receiving and you’re not chasing after someone or asking someone to love you more – you model that to him or her yourself.

You show your partner how you expect to be treated by treating yourself that way, and you bring more love and joy into the relationship by being more loving and more joyous.

This is done in the same way it would be if you were single; you do things that bring you joy simply for the sake of being happy.

Do things on your own, go out with friends and family and engage with your love in a positive way only. If that’s too challenging for you at the moment, then focus on getting your individual happiness and self-satisfaction level up.

When you’re coming from that place, communicating about what you want and need in the relationship will feel entirely different to the both of you, because you’re no longer implying that you need your partner to fill that role – you’re simply expressing what you need. (More on communication in chapter 9)

This is the foundation. Loving yourself, knowing your worth and being love instead of seeking it.

As you make joy and love your prominent vibration, your parter will either need to match up or they will no longer be a match for you.

Say goodbye to desperate tears, begging for what you want and feeling defeated. This is a whole new way of loving.

I’ll see you in part TWO of this guide – The Conscious Relationship.